Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
