I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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