I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
