I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
