they need to just BURY HIM!
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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