8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
