my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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