i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize