My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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