I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Pants are for mortals
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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