"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
