someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
