i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
