Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
