im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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