tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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