Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
