I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
