She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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