and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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