im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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