she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
