Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
