My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
