how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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