is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
