The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
