Swine flu. Run for my life!
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
