next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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