just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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