i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just high enough for therapy.
50% drunk capacity currently
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
