That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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