Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
