So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
