I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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