she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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