I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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