one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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