either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
