I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
