i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
