at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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