Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
