Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I want a musical about memes.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
