she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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