So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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