I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
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