Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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