Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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