I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Having a random hookup so left but love u
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
