I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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