I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
only you would photoshop your dick
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Randomize
