did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
