Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
