i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
