Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Randomize
