I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
