I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
