I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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