at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
