yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
