I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I want to have your abortion
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
